~sweet escape~

Sudah di penghujung tahun 2020. Tahun ini kayaknya waktu cepat kali berlalu. Januari, Februari....covid...sekarang udah Desember aja. But this year is the hardest year for me. Cause I lost my dad. Never imagine that I will never see his face again, talk to him and take care of him. I am sorry daddy for not being a good girl for you. Al Fatihah buat papa ya. Pandemic is still on. Berharap sekali vaksinasi segera dilaksanakan dan berhasil, jadi kita bisa kembali kayak dulu. Beraktivitas bebas tanpa parno dan tanpa masker. I really miss my life before corona. Kalau ditanya apa resolusi tahun baru sih ya ga ada yang muluk-muluk. Pengennya semua sehat dan bahagia aja deh. Aku masih harus LDR-an sama suami, karier juga masih di Puskesmas, ga bisa ngarep gimana2 karena masih harus berjuang sekolahin suami. But it is okay. Like I said before, I can not suffer another loss.  So I want all my family and friends stay healthy and happy. That is all matter. Bisa bertahan dengan kondisi baik2 saja u

Tadi habis liat gambar ibu, yang sambil gendong anak, trus divisualisasi dengan tangan2 yang megang panci, setrika, laptop, sapu, dllnya. A very strong message that as a woman we can do both job. Tapi aku ga bisa langsung relate dan meng-amin-i gambar itu. Cause as a working mom, I delegate domestic job to a helper. I don't do laundry, I don't cook, and I am having a back up to take care of my babies. But it doesn't mean I am a bad mom,right? I still take care of them. I'm not a super woman. And it is okay. My respect goes to all women who strong enough to do all things by herself. If someday I become a stay at home mom, it is because I want to, not because I was told to. Before we get married, I already said that I want to be a working mom.  My hubby understand that so nothing to worry about. Asal tetap di koridor yang udah kami sepakati bersama. So, ladies.. Be whatever you want. Don't throw away your dreams. Cause you matter.

For me.. A thank you word never enough to describe my love for my mom. A mother who strong enough to raise not only one, not two, not three but four daughters.  A mother who stand still no matter what when our daddy got sick. A mother that I look up to. A mother who loves us, in her way. I do try my best to make her happy, but maybe that is just not enough. My mom lost her partner, but I promise daddy that she will never be alone.  She will be okay again. So..happy mother's day, Mama. Don't leave us okay? Cause I can not suffer another loss.

I know that you are not celebrating birthday up there, but today is your day. 61 tahun yang lalu papa lahir. 35 tahun lalu papa nikah dengan mama. 40 hari yang lalu papa dipanggil Allah. You are missed, daddy. I miss you so. I am sorry for not being such a good girl for you. Selama papa sakit aku juga belum maksimal jaga papa. Maafin mbak ya, pa.. Tapi papa orang baik. Papa sudah menolong banyak orang. Banyak yang mendoakan papa. You are the greatest father for us. You are the best husband for mommy. Bahagia selalu di Surga ya, pa. Semoga Allah menempatkan papa di sisi-Nya. We are trying to be okay. Don't you worry, we will make mommy happy again. Losing you is the hardest thing that ever happen to us. 

Have you ever feel so full and you just can not breathe? Like having something heavy on your chest. Like you trapped and you can not do anything. Exhausted. But what to do? You even don't know what makes you feel that way. You just can not breathe easily. I ask my hubby for one day off, full me time and pampering my self in my own way. Thinking nothing and no one to please but me. He said yes. When he comes back home, he will give me one day off.  I can not wait for that day to come. Want it so bad. Only one day. It is not too much to ask for,right?