~sweet escape~

How are you Up there, Pa? It has been a year since we lost you. Husnul khotimah papa.. You know that we love you. Once in a week we go to your 'new home', praying and talking to you. We are okay. Most importantly, mommy is doing fine too. Maybe she cries in silence, but we will make sure that she is okay. Come see me in my dream, please. I just wanna see your face clearly. It has been a year daddy. Al Fatihah.

If I slipped, A friend: will help A good friend: will help but following with words that somehow makes me regret getting any help (in good way though) A bestfriend: laugh first, making fun of me, then finally offering hand to help me get up. But... In life, we all need some bestfriends to help us find the joy in the difficult time. Showing light even in the darkest place. As corny as it may sound. I am not good at making friends. I am not the first option to get along with. So thank you to everyone: For choosing me to be a friend, for counting me one of their good friend, and for keeping me close cause I am their bestfriend.

I am too busy doing my job, dealing with my self, trying to stand still through heavy days. And I forget to look up my babies. And my mommy. Are they happy? I rarely talk to my mom now. I rarely ask her to go out just the two of us. I am too tired to take care of my babies. I oftenly busy with my phone. I am always complaining bout how tired I am. I see my mom's face. Maybe she is lonely. I have been married for eight years and now living separately with my hubby. And days kill me. Days of missing him. I still can talk to him, can see his face, but it still hard because he is not around. My mommy lost her partner. Forever. They had been together for 35 years. My mommy can not see my dad's face anymore, and she can not talk to him too. I know she is lonely and missing my daddy so so much. I feel bad. I am a bad daughter. I am a bad mother too. I hate for being so busy lately. I will make it up. I promise to take care of mommy when daddy is gone. I also have to take care my babie...

Mama sekolah. Ini keinginan mama Abel yang buat sementara waktu harus dipendam dulu. Karena satu dan lain hal alias keuangan pas-pas an, aku harus tunda keinginan mau sekolah lagi. Mau nekat sekolah aja dengan cari2 beasiswa aku ga berani. Aku nih orangnya boros. Dan manja. Gimana mau sekolah langsung berdua suami, dengan dua anak begini. Yang ada akunya stress. Tunda sekolah lagi gapapa kok sebenernya. Aku juga bukannya yang ngoyo kali. Tiba-tiba kepikiran karna aku jenuh sama kerjaan. Rutinitas harian vaksinasi ini buat bosan. Beneran ga ada lagi gregetnya. Ga bersemangat lagi jalanin hari-hari karna ya begitu2 saja. Karna teman2 udah pada sekolah lagi, liat postingan ini itu, jadinya kepengen. Mungkin bias ya..aku ga pengen2 banget sekolah lagi. Aku kepengen aja ke luar Batam, jalanin aktivitas baru gitu. Jenuh dan penat. Mau cuti belum bisa. Tapi aku juga ga mau cuti cuma di Batam. Pokoknya aku bosan. Gimana la orang2 yang masih bertahan di rumah aja karna pandemi ini ya? Orang pun...

Inhale. Exhale. Just breathe. It is only a bad day. Not a bad life. You should rely on your own self. It is okay to cry. Humans do cry. Not okay today, be better tomorrow. But.. I should be happy first.

How to kill this loneliness? And funny things is.. I am not even alone. I am surrounded by family and friends. I am okay during the day. But when the night comes.. I am all alone. Maybe the amount of works stress me out. Maybe I need a me-time. But how selfish I am thinking about me time, while my babies need me? They suffers the pandemic too. Being at home almost all the time. But I am lonely. I can not sleep well at night. I feel tired all the time. I am bitter. How to kill this loneliness? I don't know.