~sweet escape~

Maybe one day I will travel the world.. Doing something wild yet fun, out of my comfort zone.. Maybe one day~~ Maybe one day I will do the job I really like.. Job that makes me feel happy to wake up in the morning, job that makes me feel content.. Maybe one day~~ Maybe one day the kids will leave me for good.. And it is just me and you against the world all over again.. Maybe one day~~ Maybe one day.. Days are better and brighter than today.. Problems are easy to swipe away.. I am not so grumpy all the time.. Maybe one day.. I finally feel enough..

What if someday my babies left me. I can not imagine how painful it would be. And I don't want to go through that. But life.. It is not ours. Allah will take us one by one, when our time is up. I will never be ready. You may call me a bad mother or anything, but still.. I am a mother. Abel and Adya are my babies forever and I don't know how to live without them. But, If I can beg to God, I do wish that they never have to grow up without parents. I hope that I still have much time with them. The pain of losing them is unbearable, but imagining they grow up without me is so much worse. We don't own the time. Live your life while it last. NB: Post ini ditulis karena teman sejawatku baru kehilangan anaknya karena kanker. Semoga yang kehilangan dikuatkan dan diberikan kelapangan hati seluas2nya.

Kalau dipikir2, si Nuria ini hobi banget sotoy. Suka nyeletuk duluan tanpa mikir. Suka ngide aja gitu berasa paling tau tapi salah. Gampang kepancing ini itu. Dan suka sok asik. Jangan gitu lagi ah. Ga enak tau jadi orang sotoy. Mending banyakan diam, tapi dalam hati puas ngatain. Dari pada udah ngomong, tapi ternyata salah. Intinya sih, pandai menempatkan diri aja. Kapan harus kasih pendapat dan kapan harus diam mendengarkan. Gapapa banget untuk ga selalu terlibat. Gapapa banget kalau kita ga terlihat. Jangan jadi orang sok asik. Asiknya hilang, jatohnya jadi sok doang. Dan udahlah Nuria.. Jangan kebanyakan overthinking juga. Capek sendiri ujung2nya. Jadi diri sendiri aja kayak yang dulu2 ya. Lebih bikin happy. Ya kan??

We used to celebrate this day because it is my dad's birthday and also my parents anniversarry. How are you Up there, daddy? We continue living the life, but it would be nice if you still around. But we can not turn back the time. No regret, though. You are not sick anymore. That is what matters. Mommy is doing fine. She is currently working again, meeting with people and seems happy. But, If we could, we like to trade everything to still have you beside us. Happy birthday, papa. And happy anniv too. You might be apart now, but I do pray that you and mommy will be together again in Jannah.

I am afraid.. Of losing control. Over my mind and my heart. I am afraid.. Of going too much. Over things that could be headed the wrong way. I am afraid.. To be so wrong. Thought that everything is okay, but sadly is not. Frankly, I am afraid all the time. Because I am not being my self. And I let it to be.

How are you Up there, Pa? It has been a year since we lost you. Husnul khotimah papa.. You know that we love you. Once in a week we go to your 'new home', praying and talking to you. We are okay. Most importantly, mommy is doing fine too. Maybe she cries in silence, but we will make sure that she is okay. Come see me in my dream, please. I just wanna see your face clearly. It has been a year daddy. Al Fatihah.