~sweet escape~

There is something wrong with me. That I can not share to others. I just wanna write it in here, to remind me someday. This day I am not okay. There is something wrong with me. That I can not explain to others. All I know is I feel pain inside. All I know is I feel so miserable. Without any cause. I just feel not okay. There is something wrong with me. I am done trying so hard to my self.

Nakes emang habis2an banget dibuat si Covid ya. Tahun lalu sibuk tracing pake hazmat panas2an. Tahun ini sibuk vaksinasi masal.  Lelah sebadan2. Pengen nangis terus rasanya. Sakit kepala jangan ditanya karna aku kebagian nginput data setiap hari. Berjam-jam di depan laptop bikin tengkuk tegang. Mengharap pandemi usai, walaupun kayaknya itu harapan yang jauh banget buat kejadian. Ya minimal berkurang deh. Semoga keluarga aku dijauhkan ya dari penyakit ini. Juga penyakit lainnya sih. Sehat2 ya badanku.. Belum waktunya tumbang. Kerjaan masih menunggu di depan mata. Mungkin orang2 kuat. Mungkin aku juga terlihat kuat. Tapi kalau boleh jujur.. aku pengen istirahat dari vaksinasi ini.  Bukan istirahat terus2an, cuman pengen break sebentar aja. I am not okay today. I really need a good rest.

Since I lost my daddy, I feel about to cry all the time. Even the smallest problem will make my eyes teary. Plus, I don't have hubby beside me when I need him the most. Tired. I am trying so hard to be fine. I just want a regular day without feeling so empty. I just want a normal boring day. I don't like being at home with people yet hate going alone. I am just tired.

Feel so sick today. My body is giving a signal that I should've stopped and rest. But I can not do that. Not now. I have things to do, work to finish. Be strong, self.

I wish that I have more time with him. To take care our babies, until they are safe to stand by their own. I wish that I have more time with him. To make our dreams come true.  To make our plans happen. I wish that I have more time with him. To grow old together. In sick and health. I wish that I have more time with him. Cause he is not only my husband, but also my bestfriend. And it is really miserable to lose someone you always talk to. I wish that I have more time with him. It is only a wish. Cause I never know.

Maybe I am pushing my self too damn hard. Trying everything possible only to be liked. Hoping that I am worth enough to be considered of. I don't need to be kind all day long, right? Everybody doesn't have to like me all the time, right? I can dislike people too, right? I don't have to be okay everyday, right? They see me just fine but they never know what happen behind closed door. They may see me that I am happy but actually deep down I am not. I talk too much. Maybe I have to shut down for a while. And shutting down doesn't make you a bad person. Stop trying so hard.